My boyfriend wants me to spend every night at his place. I basically live out of a bag and I hate it. His apartment is much nicer and in downtown, but my place is still my home and I want to be there

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Just put your foot down and reclaim time at home

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I always tell my bf that I need to sleep in my own bed and get my life together and he can join if he wants but that’s where I’ll be. He always ends up joining 🕺🏼 (I also make sure I have his fav popcorn in stock at my place)

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I feel like I’m wasting my money on rent for a place I’m never out. And I’m so discombobulated living between two places, and never have everything I need

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Op I was in the same boat! Coupled with travel projects, I was NEVER at home and it made me so annoyed. Women have so much more items to pack than men! I talked to my bf that I do not like living out of a suitcase, am exhausted having to travel for work already, and would like to sleep in my own bed. We came to a compromise - he was going to make more effort sleeping over at my place on weekday nights, and I would only sleep over when I want to and am feeling up to it.

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What is your preferred scenario? 1) you have some nights alone, 2) you stay together every night but more time at your place, or 3) you stay at his place but get to keep more stuff there? (Or something else?)
If it’s just rent, look at it as not “$/night you are there” but what it gives you in terms of optionality. If you feel like the optionality isn’t that valuable you can always downsize or get rid of it altogether if you are both thinking it makes sense to move in together at this point.

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Ok, well assuming you own a place or have a rental agreement that’s longer term than month to month, the moving in question can be punted for later. First would be to figure out what you want: it sounds like being downtown and his place being nicer are pluses for you and you do like to spend this much time together, so ask him spend more time at your place or to ask him to clear out a lot more space at his apartment so you can keep a comfortable rotation of clothes and other necessities there (or some balance between those two).

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Oh OP! He needs to give you some space. I have experienced this with friends. I feel very uncomfortable sleeping over frequently at their homes and living out of bags. Just upsets my whole peace.

Is he open to sleeping over at your place? You can refurbish/jazz it up to make it look nicer- if that’s what’s stopping him. Lol. The idea is really to have him experience how unsettling this can be.

It’s great that you’re having a lovely time with him but you need to remind him that you both need to have your own lives/interests too. Don’t let this pressurize you into giving up your place.

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Lots of good advice here, but I will say, don’t just move in with him though!! Moving in is a big, long-term decision that should not be based on convenience.

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Seconded - Don’t do it! The breakup becomes a traumatic mini divorce and it makes it so much harder to objectively assess the relationship when you are trapped living with someone.

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I just refuse to go to my boyfriend’s place. I travel, have cats, and a huge, beautiful apartment. He has a weird roommate and lives in a sketchy part of town. I pay for a parking spot for him in my building garage to offset the annoyance, but I still feel bad. I know he doesn’t like living out of a bag, but I’m just not willing to go to him. He can put a ring on it if he wants the situation to change! Set your own boundaries and your guy should respect them.

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You need to express that while you enjoy being with him it's not fair you have to put in all the effort to make it work. He has to come over to your place too

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I moved in finally

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If you express your concerns to your boyfriend and he pushes back, get out. I’ve been in your boat before where I spoke up, and my ex called it all BS. Eventually, we broke up because I realized he made everything about himself. This is one sign.

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Jesus A1, just refuse to see him until he comes to yours. Why are his preferences more important than yours??

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Wow I am so glad it isn’t just me. My bf of 8 mos and I exclusively stay at his place. I only go home to unpack, do laundry, get mail, and re-pack. I have a duffle for his house/fly-day then my suitcase packed for M-Th travel, then also in the duffle are Friday clothes since I go there Thurs post ✈️. It. Is. Insane. I asked if he knew how difficult it was to live in 3 places and had he considered living together. He was SO SURPRISED! “Well that’s a huge step!” But we already live together basically. If I am not there I am on-site. My lovely home is only .5 miles from his.

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You can rotate - week days in his place, weekend in yours. Maybe find some nice outdoorsy things to do around your house and your home can be the ‘vacation/ weekend home’?

Ask him to split time between your place and his. Say exactly what you said here. You don’t always have to compromise no matter how nice his place is. (I feel the same way and am in the same situation; when I told him he started spending most of our time at my place) you can do this!

OP I’m in the same boat and feel absolutely stuck. My partner travels four days a week and I’m local so when he’s home he refuses to leave the house to come to mine (even when he’s local for a full week or two which happens often) when he’s not home he leaves me his house keys and I look over his fur baby (which I love doing but I spend so much more time at his place than mine and it’s killing me) I feel like I’m paying rent for nothing. My partner also hates my roommate so despite my begging he has said if I want to spend the night with him it has to be at his place. Thank you for having the courage to post asking for advice! I will definitely be stealing some from the lovely ladies who posted!

Omg SD1, why are you making it so easy on him? He has no incentive to move in with you.

😭 i know. My friends recently told me the same. I don’t know how to back track it! I am a badazz at work and have zero ability to execute on the home front

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