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My therapist says there are three dimensions of perfectionism: having unrealistically high expectations for yourself, thinking others have higher expectations of you than they actually do, and holding others to unrealistically high expectations. Sounds like you might be doing the third.
Thank you for sharing, A1!
Sometimes people pick fights in order to psychologically distance themselves when they want to end the relationships.
Are you sure you still want to be in this relationship?
If so, for every instance where you feel like criticizing, think of a positive thing about him. Even better, think about his positive traits and how that makes you feel all the time and do it actively.
Also could be passive aggressive behavior. You need to figure out the reason why, are you harboring any unresolved anger or resentment towards him?
I don’t have any unresolved anger or resentment towards him. He’s such a good guy and so sweet to me. I don’t know why I keep behaving this way. It makes me feel really bad and more anxious
Do you respect him? Do you think you can do better? Do you find yourself wondering “what if”? I think you need to figure out the under lying issue here. You may want to talk to a therapist.
Ugh, you sound like me. I wish I know how to stop it
Agree with above comment^
Could stem from anxiety or could be that there’s something about him turning you off so you’re getting annoyed easily?
I do have anxiety, but why do I lash out on him? Shouldn’t I be blaming myself more? He’s just trying to be there for me and I keep lashing out and criticizing and judging him
Are there behaviors/habits that he exhibit that don't meet your standards, whatever they may be? Have you asked him to fix and he's either being "too slow to fix" (for you) or not fixing at all? Identify as well the cause of loss of respect and more importantly, reflect whether you feel contempt towards him (for whatever reason). I come from similar experience - I was very critical of my BF as well for a time period, but recognized that after some reading articles about contempt and how that is the #1 destroyer of relationships. In my case, it was because he's still in school (we're long-distance), has been struggling for a long time, and it's still TBD as to when he will graduate whereas I am working, finished school, have a good job, etc. I was feeling pressured by society's standards and my family's standards, stress from work, anxiety about the job search all at the same time, and feeling resentful that he can't join me so that we can be DINKs (lol) and because I feel "held back" from shared goals for travelling together, buying a home, starting out our lives, etc. I was taking it out on him unconsciously (until I realized what was happening). I have since discussed with my SO about this, and we've worked through it together. Perhaps you are a generally very critical person and need to work on this weakness (no judgement - I tend to be this way, too and continue to work on this), but it could also be that there is a deeper issue that you both can resolve together. All the best to you!
I don’t find this particular surprising (doesn’t mean I think it’s good) especially as OP says she does this to both her partner and her parents. For one, I think it’s common for people to have highest expectations to those who are closest to us, and thus become most critical if the expectations are not met. Part of it may be because you know you’re in it for the long haul, so a small issue gets multiplied by many times that they MAY appear in the future and becomes a big issue all of a sudden. Second, I think it also could be because you feel so safe with them (parents and this guy) and you think (maybe even subconsciously) that they won’t turn their back on you no matter what. We are all expected to be responsible adults by society but it’s nice to know that someone will allow us to be kids, even kids with tantrums. It’s good to have someone like that in your life but we shouldn’t abuse it.
It’s fantastic you caught yourself doing this and are looking to solve this! Kudos to you!
Make comments bout the way he eats or dresses or acts. I wasn’t like this in the beginning. I want to stop but not sure why I keep doing this? It just comes out of nowhere
Yeah there’s definitely something going on ... for me it’s when I feel like I can’t respect him as a man anymore. He shows me he’s careless in some way and it’s like, poof!, my respect is gone. Then it’s so easy to have things like the comments you’re mentioning just slip right out.
Or you need to just move on to someone on your level. 🤷♀️